I Am a Dynamic Figure

I am a dynamic figure, often seen running up stairs and crushing ice. I explain ethnic slurs to Palestinians. I manage time efficiently several times a day. Though sailboats are considered slower than motorboats I have raced them nevertheless.

I have been to Slovenia, Slovakia, Serbia, and Boring, Oregon. In Geneva, Switzerland, I spent a night in jail, only because I asked.

I speak a little Russian, Serbian, Spanish, and German and have studied Greek and Latin. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert at spackle, a veteran in love, and a father of 5.

My family members have been to over 50 separate countries. I have never posted a cat video on Facebook. I have won arguments with women. Twice!

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village near the Olympic National Park rain forest from a horde of ferocious army ants. When I’m bored, I design large suspension bridges and HO scale maglev trains.

I enjoy blogging. On Saturdays I split hairs with theologians. Someday I will either refute or validate the soteriological theory that Canadians are just wannabe Alaskans. I once jumped out of a perfectly good airplane.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, a hopeless dreamer, and a ground coffee critic. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I ran a marathon once, ran for office, ran out of air on the bottom of Hood Canal, and ran a 40 foot sailboat aground in the Nisqually Flats. I’ve never met a tax break I didn’t like.

The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and yet I have a good credit score. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life. But I forgot to write it down. I brush my teeth with my eyes closed.

I have played Julius Caesar and imitated Mick Jagger. To my credit, I have not spoken with Elvis. I discover exegetical fallacies where none exist.

I rode horse bareback from school. I got second in a shooting match, and survived to tell about it. I get my water softener salt at a discount.

I have a mortgage, and yet for all those idiosyncrasies I have yet to go to South Dakota.


Partially plagiarized from Hugh Gallagher


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